You were married.  You have lived together for sometime.  But at some point—and we all reach this point—you decided that there is no longer anything new to learn about your spouse.  Indeed, you’ve stopped learning about your spouse and have decided that there’s nothing new to learn!

The problem is that you’re both changing people.  You are both a product of what is going on around you, and your opinions and feelings about things may change.  So why is it that the people that are closest to us stop trying to learn about us?

The Thrill of the Hunt

Part of it is the excitement has worn off.  When you first met, you had a whole lot to learn about him.  You shared every moment talking about likes and dislikes, finding out his dreams and his emotions, and talking about everything with him to find out his opinion.

Now you figure that you’ve pretty much have him figured out.  You’ve seen that you can predict with some reliability what he’ll say next, and you like that comfort.

The thing is, he’s changing.  His goals may not be the same as they were when you married.  Reality may have changed some of his plans, or he may now have a better understanding of something that was previous a puzzle to him.

It Still Happens—If We Put forth the Effort

When you’re in a new group of people, you find yourself having the fun of learning people all over again.  You talk about the same questions and answers, you find out what you like and dislike—and though you can’t find out everything fresh from your spouse, you should make times that you sit and talk about hopes, dreams and perspective.

If you immerse yourself in each other’s day, you’ll find that you become a part of your spouse, and you’ll find, every now and then, something that you didn’t know and that’s interesting.

But rewards only come to those that are patient and wait.

But one thing is certain.  He values your respect more than he values your love.  Which is the subject of today’s lie that wives believe:

Wives believe that showing their husbands love is more important than showing their husbands respect.

A Comparison

I have yet to meet a woman that didn’t want friends.  In fact, I’ve met many women that are extremely picky about their friendships (some of them in my family) to the point that if the friend doesn’t live up to a set of standards then they’ll say that the person is not really a friend, but I have yet to find a woman that doesn’t want friends.

In the online world, the big difference between the mommy blogs and those written by men is that rarely does the man care if what he writes offends someone.  A mommy blog will stake out the common ground and try really hard to be popular, the male blog will write what is unpopular—and here’s the catch—as long as people respect his opinion.

Respect is the Key

Your husband wants respect in the same way that you want to be loved.  He wants respect, regardless of what his decision is, because it validates him as a man.  You want love because it validates you as a woman.

He doesn’t necessarily want you to agree with him, but he does want you to follow him.  If you give him that respect, he will give you the love you’re looking for.  If you’re blessed, he’ll give you that love regardless.

However, his needs are most met when you can set aside the “I told you so” and “You’re doing it wrong” to respect that he’s an equivalent human being—a leader, no less—and that you will respect him.

Not Just One of the Kids

This is why, in my mind, the “treating your husband as one of your kids” is so deadly to your marriage.  By showing him that you don’t respect his thought process, that “he’s doing it wrong” and that “I’m the only one who does it right around here” you’re trampling on his desire to serve you and his understanding of his position.

Don’t believe the lie, and confuse his need for love vs. respect.  He needs both, but he craves the latter before the former.

Here’s the first lie that I’ve written about a wife might believe that wasn’t originated by her husband.  That her husband doesn’t love her.

Now, first, it’s certainly possible that it’s gotten to the point—the tragic point—in some marriages where he may truly have stopped loving her.  What I’m writing about isn’t this case.

I’m talking about those mental moments when a wife starts believing that her husband doesn’t love her based on some of the things that are going on around her, or because he hasn’t said it in a while.

While this is a cause for concern (meaning that you should find a good time to sit down and talk to him about it), it could just be that things have gotten in the way of what used to be.

My advice?  Seek some time to tell him your needs and what you’ve been sensing, but not in an accusing tone, but in a tome which can build a bridge.  You may find that he’s felt it too.