We’ve seen it on countless sitcoms—from the Dick Van Dyke show to the present—where the wife that’s at home continues to make mistakes.  She burns the food, leaves an iron mark on the shirt, and ran the car into the pool.

Today it’s the man—he’s a bad dad.  He can’t do anything useful.  He wouldn’t know how to clean a dish if he were standing in a bucket of soap and water.

The Evil of Comparison

Each of us has things that were good at and things we are not.  We have things that we’ve practiced and things that we could do if we had a bit more practice.

The problem comes into play when we evaluate someone else based on our skill set.  And it gets worse when the person that we’re evaluating is someone close to us—because we tend to be a whole lot coarser.

Mean to Family, Nice to Friends

It’s an odd fact, but the closer someone is to us, the more blunt and cruel we are to them.  The further away they are, the more likely we are to treat them nicely and to be courteous.

The same applies with what we say about people around us.  We’re a whole lot more likely to have higher expectations of people around us, or we’re dismissive of them because they can’t do something the way that you do it.

Why is this?

Part of it, I believe, is that we know that the person that we’re talking about knows us, loves us, and we know them very well.  We know that they’ll probably stay around, even if we belittle them (we may even belittle them when they’re around!), but we may not be so sure about those that we don’t know as well.

The truth is that this should be opposite.

We should be more concerned about what our family thinks of us, and talking them  up rather than worrying about those that may leave our lives and we won’t see them again.

You can choose your friends, not your family—well, not after your married at least.

So, what are you doing to build up your spouse?  How about resolving not to say anything diminutive about his abilities to any of your friends and family?  That would be a great start!

You were married.  You have lived together for sometime.  But at some point—and we all reach this point—you decided that there is no longer anything new to learn about your spouse.  Indeed, you’ve stopped learning about your spouse and have decided that there’s nothing new to learn!

The problem is that you’re both changing people.  You are both a product of what is going on around you, and your opinions and feelings about things may change.  So why is it that the people that are closest to us stop trying to learn about us?

The Thrill of the Hunt

Part of it is the excitement has worn off.  When you first met, you had a whole lot to learn about him.  You shared every moment talking about likes and dislikes, finding out his dreams and his emotions, and talking about everything with him to find out his opinion.

Now you figure that you’ve pretty much have him figured out.  You’ve seen that you can predict with some reliability what he’ll say next, and you like that comfort.

The thing is, he’s changing.  His goals may not be the same as they were when you married.  Reality may have changed some of his plans, or he may now have a better understanding of something that was previous a puzzle to him.

It Still Happens—If We Put forth the Effort

When you’re in a new group of people, you find yourself having the fun of learning people all over again.  You talk about the same questions and answers, you find out what you like and dislike—and though you can’t find out everything fresh from your spouse, you should make times that you sit and talk about hopes, dreams and perspective.

If you immerse yourself in each other’s day, you’ll find that you become a part of your spouse, and you’ll find, every now and then, something that you didn’t know and that’s interesting.

But rewards only come to those that are patient and wait.

People have dreams.  No, I’m not simply talking about that time you ended up in front of your school giving the speech of your life in your underwear, I’m talking about goals, wants and desires.

There are things that each person wants to do, what they see themselves doing with their lives and what they want to become.

It’s these dreams and goals that help make us who we are, they define us, and they halp us to feel successful when we reach them.

As partners and spouses, we should be looking out to help each other reach those goals and desires.  Instead, what usually happens is that one spouse or the other pursues their goals while the other does a majority of the work.

But it does not have to be so!

What you should do with your spouse is take the time to outline what your goals and dreams are.  What is it that you want to do?  Where would you like to go?

But don’t stop there!

After you’ve drawn up what you’d like to do, plan for it to be done.  Lay out the steps and make sure that you put in the parts where the other person has a role to play.

It may be that you won’t be able to achieve that goal in the near term, but by making plans you can work toward it, and know that you will be working toward that dream.  That will make the work all the sweeter.

Do you have to know where your spouse is 100% of the time?  Is he or she only allowed to do things that you want to do or that you approve of?

Now, having somewhere specific and knowing where your spouse is can be a good accountability system, but if you or your spouse has to always report in, and does not feel that they have time that they can call their own and space that they can call their own, you’re probably setting up “the perfect storm.”

People like to do certain things, and take possession of certain things.  A husband needs to make sure that his wife’s wants are met as well as her needs.  He needs to provide for her and make her comfortable.  Whatever’s in reason, he should try to provide.

But a wife needs to also know that a man also needs time to pursue his passions—well, both of you do.  If you do not have time to do things you like, then you have work and chores.  We’re built to want to have some down time, and that means that sometimes you have to do what he or she wants to do, but other times it’s your turn.

Learn to do things together that are relaxing as well as trying what your spouse likes.  And sometimes, the best thing that you can do is let your spouse spend some alone time—in the same house or out with friends.  It’ll help both of you recharge.

You may believe that your husband should have his hobbies and you can have yours, and that both of you can be happy pursuing your own thing on your own time.  To some extent, it was probably true.  You see, you both entered into a relationship with things that you liked to do.

However, you both learned to do some of the things that the other person liked to do, and you spent time with each other.  That time that you invested in your spouse is part of the glue that holds you two together. 

What you do together increases your feelings of love for each other because it associates positive experiences with that other person.

So, if you do not take the time to try and participate in each other’s hobbies, you are leaving that time open—that experience open—for just your spouse or for someone else to get involved.

I’d recommend never getting involved in a hobby with a person of the opposite sex for either of you.  I’d further recommend that you lose the hobby before you’d open yourself to that kind of temptation.  But I’d suggest that you take the time to at least give your spouse’s hobby a fair chance.

You never know—you may end up liking it!

Do you want to know why this man is angry?  Because his wife noticed that he got his haircut—today.  He had it done the day before.

Have you gotten to the point in your marriage when you begin to not notice changes in your spouse?  Perhaps it’s weight they’re losing, or the fact that they are wearing something that they like.

You need to make sure that you pay attention to each other, and you don’t get to the stage where you aren’t admiring what they look like.

Especially if they have a twin!

It was eight years ago today that my wife and I said “I do” in a small church that was her home church.  We had met online and she came near to my hometown to go to college.

I proposed to her on February 6th, nine months after we had begun dating, and we were married July 7, 2001.

Three kids later, with the fourth on the way, I can say that I love her more each day, and that I’m so blessed that it is she who is at my side—and that’s no lie.

For many parents, once they have had children they can’t imagine leaving them behind anywhere, with anyone.  They are constantly occupied with thinking about them when they are away from them.  They fear the worst might happen.

I’ve only been away from my children a few times since I’ve been a parent.  It’s difficult to get a babysitter you can trust, and it’s difficult to plan these types of things with the demands on your daily schedule.

But do you let your fear, or the fact that you have children, limit your ability to get away from them?

To some, what I’m saying is anathema.  “Children are the responsibility of the parents,” they say, “and how will children learn if the parents are not there.”  Another expression may be “Your idea of the perfect vacation is one you take with the kids. You would never hear of going away somewhere just with your spouse, even though you have many viable baby-sitting options.” [33 Surefire Ways to Screw Up Your Marriage]

The truth is, everyone needs a break, and as much as you love your children, they are a source of stress at time.  Just nod your head yes—you know it’s true.

Planning a vacation away from them means time and energy devoted to finding the right sitter and the right place (comfortable distance, etc.), but your sanity is worth it, as is the refreshment of being away and returning.

It’s time for you to consider getting away and seeing what a break can do for you and your family.  It’s not that all vacations have to be just the two of you, but if you’ve taken even a short break you know that what I’m saying is true.

When he was just your boyfriend you couldn’t get enough time together.  It didn’t matter what you were doing—the movies, dinner, miniature golf, etc.—you were happy just because you were together.

When you got married, things changed a bit—there was another “activity” that was thrown into the mix, and you started doing all your meals together.

When you add your first child, the dynamics of the family change again, such that you start spending time and focusing on the child’s development.

So my question is, have you stopped dating?

It’s hard.  There’s a lot of time constraints, and it’s difficult to plan when things are constantly changing and you seem to have things that are vying for your time and attention.  But you did it when you were in high school and college…

Because it was important to you.

So, when is the last time that you’ve been on a date?  I know, like you, I’m thinking about this and planning to get one together now.

There’s no excuse.  Pick up that phone, get the babysitter, make the reservation, and get away with some quality time for just the two of you.  You won’t be sorry you did.

When’s the last time that he’s told you how attractive you are to him?  If it hasn’t been a while, that’s not necessarily because he doesn’t think you are.

A lot goes into a relationship.  The more that each spouse puts in, the more that they get out.  Here’s some reasons the man in your life may not have told you recently how attractive you are to him:

He’s been distracted

Has your husband been consumed with some task around the house or at work?  Is he under stress?

Chances are that if he’s got heavy matters on his mind he may not be paying as much attention to you as he would like to.

All you have to do is to make sure that you’re present, and maybe surprise him by wearing something that he likes or giving him a massage.  Chances are he’ll take notice!

He’s Holding a Grudge

Relationships are reciprocal—as we mentioned above.  If he feels that he is not getting recognized, he could be withholding recognition in revenge.

Take a look around at what he’s been doing.  If you see that he’s doing something he didn’t usually do, compliment him on it and see where that leads!

You’re In Your PJs all Day

True, pajamas are relaxing, and who wants to get dressed up and looking good when you don’t have to leave the house.  The thing is, when you were dating you’d spend hours on your appearance just to please him¹.

Take inventory of how you’re dressed and how you present yourself.  Surprise him some night when he gets home from work with how good you look—remember, he may be working with women who have prepared themselves for the day.

He’s Feeling Worthless

Men derive part of who they are from their wives.  They feel accomplishment when she places her trust in him and looks to him as a leader.  If you’re constantly berating him—whether or not he complains he may manifest his sorrow in silence.

If you build each other up, your marriage will be happier and healthier.  I’m not saying lie, but what I am saying is focus on the positive.

Conclusion

If none of these work, it’s time to have a conversation about what’s going on, what’s changed.  It may be that there’s a problem more severe that’s going on, or it may be that there’s something I haven’t mentioned.  Hopefully it’s the latter.

Take care of your relationship—it’s special!

1. Yes, guys are guilty of this same thing!