There’s an old joke that goes something like this:

On their 50th wedding anniversary, the farmer’s wife said she was leaving him.   He asked, “Why?”

She said, “Because you don’t love me.”

He asked, “Why do you say that?”

She said, “Because you never say that you love me!”

He replied, “I told you that I love you on our wedding day.  If I ever change my mind, I’ll let you know!”

One of the things that struck me while reading For Men Only¹ is that it seems that women are always in need of reassurance that they are loved.  In fact, it’s the first thing that the book tells you about.  The fact that women are always wondering.

Surprise you?

What This Leads To

As a guy, we don’t have this underlying insecurity.  If we do wonder, we’ll usually ask or try to prompt a response.  According to Jeff Feldhahn, a women wants a response as well, only she will try to get it indirectly, by hinting around it or wanting to spend time discussing where the relationship is or where it is headed.

The Solution

So the solution is for us guys to take the initiative to let our wives know that we love them.  This is especially necessary when we least feel like saying it—in the middle of an argument or when there’s something on our minds.

What this means to wives is that it would be productive for you to have a discussion with your husband to let him know of this need (if you have it) and let him know that you really care about him.  Or, just give him a copy of the book and let him read it for himself!

1. Which I reviewed here

Nina at the respect dare poses an interesting situation in her post, What’s the Difference between Being Disrespectful and Being Helpful?  She saw a situation where her husband saw a friend at church and she thought he should go with the man instead of her taking him to Sunday School as he had requested.

Submission doesn’t mean that the woman doesn’t have an opinion or is a door mat.  This is false thinking.  What it really means is a difference in rank.

The concept is the same as that which you’d find on board a military vessel between the captain and the first officer.  The idea is that there is a rank difference—the man has the authority to make the final call—but the woman is right there, trained, and able to help as well.

In this case, it made a lot more sense for Nina’s husband to walk his friend to Sunday School and Nina to take the kids.  She was more observant than she was in this case.

This is what I find with my wife also.  While I tend to be the more observant one, she can sometimes see more of what’s going on in a situation than I can.  She can read people better than I can.  Should I be insulted because of this?  No!

However, I can see where some husbands would not want to be what they would view as corrected, especially in front of their friends or in public.  This is why Nina stresses communication in the couple:

On the way home, I replayed the incident for him, and asked, “Was that un-submissive or disrespectful of me?”

“No, I didn’t know why you did that, but no, I wasn’t offended,” came the reply.

“I thought Steve would feel awkward sitting with me at church, being as he’s mostly your friend, and I thought he’d feel more comfortable visiting if his experience started off with you,” I replied.

“That never occurred to me. I’m glad you said something – and yeah, that makes sense,” he said.

Some here might think I’m majoring in the minors, focusing on minutia, and when it comes to communicating with the people I want deep relationship with, you are right. Life is lived one small moment of interaction at a time, and if I have questions about perceptions, the only one who can give me insight is the one I’m interacting with.

So, definitely, talk with your husband and find out what he thinks shows respect, and definitely be careful when you’re out, because that’s the time when something that could be helpful in motive can turn out to show disrespect to your husband.  That’s somewhere you don’t want to go.

Better half.  Beauty with the Beast.  The Stronger of the Two.  The Prettier of the Two.

There are many things that the culture expects you to be as his wife.  Perhaps you even feel that you should be his competition!  The Bible has a lot to say about husbands and wives, especially about the type of wife God wants you to be.

Proverbs 31 spends a whole chapter talking about a virtuous wife—the wife that each father wants his son to have.  In verse 12 we find that the virtuous wife brings her husband good, not harm, all the days of her life.  What does this look like?

Am I LOVE to my husband. I mean, really… truly. Are the words of this song words that he would use to describe me?

After all this time, do I treat him in a way that gives him warm fuzzies deep in his belly when he knows he’s going to see me?

After all this time (which, in the big picture is really no time at all), does he still look at me the way he did when we met and feel at ease because, no matter what, he knows without a doubt, everything he is – the good, the bad, and the ugly – is safe with me? That when he comes home at the end of his day, or sees me in the morning, or when I bring him coffee in bed… that he really, truly feels loved - and that I am all that he needs? That I will be here no matter what – even if everything around us fell down – that I would be right by his side, always his biggest fan?

[To be called ‘love’ – Fully Mulched]

The truth is that the culture today doesn’t believe that the wife should have any duty to her husband—let alone love them.  They’ve set up society where, at best, marriage is a partnership to raise children. You have your own sets of friends.  You partake in your own separate activities.  You have your own personal checking accounts.

Two people that coexist under the same roof, and yet aren’t experiencing the bond we see present in the Scripture.

Wives, your husbands are called to love you as Christ loved the church.  That husband of yours is to be willing to lay down his life for you.  Are you doing what God commanded you?  Are you respecting him?  Loving him?  Submitting to him?

Can you say that you are love to your husband—that his heart can truly trust in you to do him good all of your days?

What we should be doing is using the strengths that each of us has to build a stronger whole:

While I can intellectually understand that men are physically stronger, what has been missing from the discussion about the Biblical roles of men and women is this: women have a strength that men typically do not…

Communication. Relationships.

…

Neither are “better than” the other.

We’re just different.

And together, male and female, we make the image of God.

[I need and Want a Strong Loving Man… You? – The Respect Dare]

So let’s stop trying to figure out who’s better, men or women, and instead, let’s focus on making our marriages something that’s all that God wants them to be!

In the Country Song, Hot Mama, Trace Adkins confronts something all marriage relationships go through:

You’re doin’ all you can to get in them old jeans.
You want that body back, you had at seventeen.
Baby, don’t get down; don’t worry ’bout a thing.
‘Cause the way you fill ‘em out, hey, that’s all right with me.
I don’t want the girl you used to be.
An’ if you ain’t noticed, the kids are fast asleep,

- Trace Adkins, Hot Mama Lyrics

We all know that bodies change, they never stay the same.  For the wife and mother, this is even more dramatic.  It seems that, for nine months, the soon to be mom is putting on weight, and then is expected to lose it all in the first few days after the baby makes its appearance.

Let alone the fact that there’s “sympathy weight” that the man gets, metabolisms going down, less time to get out and work out—it seems only the natural progression that the husband and the wife will put on weight.

But should that effect the relationship, does it?

Weight And Attraction

Men and women find different things attractive, but they usually revolve around money, appearance, and perceived power.  I don’t believe that either sex finds being overweight attractive, but men are more picky in this area than women:

Nearly half of men questioned in the poll of 70,000 people said they would ditch a partner who gained weight, compared to only 20 percent of women. 

[Half of men would ditch woman who gained weight: poll]

Which may seem surprising, but I’ve read enough jokes and forum postings where people have talked about how much weight their wife had gained compared to those that they see around them.

Men are quick to judge in this area, but part of the problem, I believe, is the weight that they themselves have gained.

Thank You Medical Industry

You see, many men have also put on weight, it’s just more socially acceptable.  While some women stress over the impact of a candy bar, most men indulge in soda pop and other sweets with abandon.  It’s almost a badge of honor to be able to “eat whatever I want.”

And we have a pharmaceutical industry built around this concept—to support the heart problems, cholesterol problems, and to give you a pill for weight loss.  Many of the people on maintenance medications would not have to be on them if they had a better diet!

What Can Be Done?

Believe it or not, you can’t force your partner to work out.  You can’t make them eat better.  You can, however, eat better and work out yourself.

A funny thing will happen if you do.  You’ll find that as you lose weight, and are more attractive, your partner will want to be more attractive as well—and have your energy level.  You might find that they start eating better and they start prioritizing working out.

Work on it together, and see if you can help both of you save money and live a better, healthier life!

When I was a teen, we had a couple of girls get pregnant in our church.  Both of them were encouraged to marry the father of the baby.  At least one of those marriages is still going today.

But the idea that a teenage mom should marry the father is not settled in Christian circles.

Take this comment from Mouse:

I believe the point of marriage is to glorify God, not to correct a mistake. What is the foundation of a marriage that has a purpose of fixing behavior? That is, teenage sex is a symptom of a deeper heart issue that needs to be addressed. Making two kids get married because the young woman is pregnant is like putting a bandaid on a broken leg.

That said, I believe in young marriage. I believe that is God’s design. But if the point of saying “I do” is to right a wrong instead of serve God through serving your spouse, the marriage is doomed no matter how old you are. – Should Teen Moms Get Married?

I understand what she’s saying—she’s saying that it was a sin to perform the act that got the girl pregnant, and that the sin should be dealt with independent of the decision to get married—that getting married is not the remedy for the sin.

Although I can understand the argument, I think that you have to realize that sexual sin is a special form of sin in the Bible.  All other sin, we’re told, is outside of the body whereas sexual sin is against the body.  I don’t pretend to understand why it is this way. 

We know that in the marriage ceremony that two become one, and yet they still appear as two.  I believe that there’s a reason that the first time a couple has sex after marriage it is referred to as the consummation of their marriage.  I believe that having sex is more than just pleasure and sex outside of marriage is more than just any other sin.

The marriage relationship is special to God.  It shows His relationship to His people.  It’s used as an example through out Scripture.

I guess the biggest thing I wonder is why shouldn’t they get married?

In the Western Culture, many people believe that you should be in love to get married, and that there are certain things that you should do/share before you do, but is this the case?

Shouldn’t we able to rally around this couple, that now has a baby in common, and encourage them and help them build that marriage they should have?  Shouldn’t we encourage marriage in this case such as to discourage extra marital sexual activity in the first place?

Let’s face it, life is filled with different kinds of decisions.  There are the easy decisions and difficult decisions.

Husbands and Fathers are responsible to the Lord for how they manage their families, and as such, they are ultimately responsible for the decision making process—or at least what decisions are made.

Harry Truman may have said, “The Buck stops here”—but this is also the case for the man in the relationship.

Leaders Need Followers

The hardest thing about being a leader is getting people to follow you.  We’ve all felt it—when we believe that we have the right idea, the right suggestion, and if they’d just listen to us it would get done right. 

What happens?  Well, we sometimes don’t say anything because we’re afraid that no one will follow.

This is true of your husband as well.  Sometimes he chooses not to express an opinion or outright lead, not because he doesn’t have an opinion, but that the last few times he’s attempted to lead, no one has followed.

To encourage him to lead, you need to be willing to follow when he does.  Show him that you are behind his goals or ideas.  If you have a suggestion, make sure to say it in a respectful way.  The last thing you should do if you think you know better than he does is to simply dismiss his leadership, his idea, and tell him he’s wrong.

If you want him to lead, you’re going to have to follow.

He’s Going To Get It Wrong Sometimes

To me, this is the hardest part of being a follower—knowing that occasionally he’s going to get it wrong.  He’s going to pick the wrong house to move to.  He’s going to go on that camping trip where it rains the whole time.  He’s going to pick up the wrong ingredient at the store.

Decisions are seldom as easy as the one we opened with—I’m hungry, I need to eat—and sometimes they can be quite tricky.  Sometimes they’ll involve money, time, or other commitments, and you may look at it while you’re in it and say “Man, he blew that decision.”

If you choose to remind him about this, choose to focus on it during the next decision, you will lose him as leader.

Seriously, ladies, one of the biggest lies that wives believe is that it’s best to always tell him where he’s wrong, and to always have an opinion.  If you want someone to lead, the best thing you can do is to not give an opinion.  But be prepared for whatever may happen and don’t have a disgruntled spirit.

This is part of being the submissive wife—the submissive child of God in a martial partnership with your husband.

Easy?  No.  Worth it?  Yes!

In Genesis 2 we have this interesting statement made by God—that it’s not good for man to be alone.  It’s the sole reason that we are given for the creation of Eve—that God saw that every other created being had a partner, and Adam had none.

So, let’s start there—why do you think that it was important that Adam was not alone, and how about Modern Adams?

Companionship

One of the most obvious reasons that jumps out at me is that God knew that Adam needed companionship.  That’s what I get in that He looked over all of creation and saw that every other created being had a pair and Adam did not have anyone.

But wait, you say, Adam had God.  And that’s true.  He did have a relationship with God that we do not have today. 

While that’s true, the point is that every other created being had someone of their own kind, and Adam did not.

I would think that we could go so far as to say that God knew that it was better for man to have someone that was like him to be his companion.  God, being three persons in one, has the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, so it would make sense that Adam would benefit from a companion.

Intimacy

The marriage relationship is supposed to be the most intimate human to human relationship on the planet.  It is in this relationship that two people put down their guards the most in order to share everything—physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The fact that our culture has decided to share these things while keeping guards up shows just how far it has strayed from the initial design, and how much it has lost in the process.

Men and Women are better when they have an intimate life partner to share their life with.

Accountability

Men and women in today’s culture are sinners, and everyone knows that it’s easier to sin when no one holds you accountable.  Specifically, men struggle with sins of lust that are helped in two ways by the presence of a wife.

First, the husband is helped by his wife because of the physical intimacy she provides.  The fact that he is having that need met means that he does not have to struggle as hard against his body’s desire to have that need met.  The temptation to look, to desire, and want other women is lessened by the fact that he has a faithful sexual partner—his wife.

Secondly, the wife helps the husband by providing a check—a visible person who is looking after him.  This shouldn’t be a judgmental thing, for we all sin, but more of a deterrent.  If a man knows that he will take responsibility for his wrong doings, this might keep him from making that wrong decision.  It will also provide him the ability to seek forgiveness when wronged.

Perspective

On our own, it’s hard to see multiple points of view.  It’s hard to account for all the factors because we don’t know everything—even though we probably think that we do.

In this way, two are better than one.  We need support.  We need that second opinion.  We should avail ourselves of it.

Logistics

It’s hard to do everything ourselves, especially when there are children involved—just ask single parents.  This isn’t meant to say that all men should work and all women be in the home, but what it is saying is that there is more that can be accomplished by two people than by one.

Also, there are many tasks that are needed to keep a house functioning.  Two people running a house will make it run more smoothly.

Can you think of other reasons that it’s not good for man (or woman) to be alone?

The following from I am Husband is totally true:

Whenever our wives gain [weight] we think they should take control of it. They should go to the gym, they should “care” about what they look like. We often hear people say of women “She just let herself go” but we don’t really hear that about men. We joke about the growing spare tire and tell ourselves it doesn’t matter because men care about the physical appearance of women more than the other way around. Though to a certain extent that’s true, I have a little secret to share with you today:

Wives want their husbands to be in shape too.

It’s true, ladies.  There shouldn’t be a separate standard for men and women.  Both of you should be concerned about your weight and make sure that you look your best for your partner.

Why do we concern ourselves with people we don’t know, dressing for them, prepping for them, when the person that matters most we spend little effort?

Society wants us to think one way, and the Bible another.  And yet, only one of these ways that will help us to not only be complete, but to feel complete as well.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss, in her famous Lies Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free¹ stated, “It’s a lie to believe you must have a career outside of your home to feel fulfilled.”

You see, we read and hear so many negative things about submission because a large part of our society operates on envy.  We are not content with who we are, what our role is supposed to be and our makeup—we must be who we are not.

This led Deana O’Hara to make the following statement in her post Let’s Talk About It: Things that Make our Hair Stand on End:

“I live in my husband’s house. I like the safety in that. You have to be married to a good man in order to say that, and thankfully I am. I have also learned that if you are a woman married to a good man and you still say ‘this is my house and he’s lucky to live here.’ what you are really communicating is that you are afraid to allow yourself to be fully loved.”  – Deana O’Hara

There is power in this statement on so many levels.

Respect

The immediate reaction I get from this comment is respect.  The woman is identifying with the fact that her husband is providing something for her.  It’s not that it’s wrong to say “It’s our house” but by stating that it’s his house, she’s stating that she knows that he’s responsible for providing that for her, and she’s praising him for it.

Order

This statement conveys to me that she’s not afraid to be under his leadership.  She’s content being loved and cared for by this man, and she doesn’t have to have her name on everything.

What’s interesting is that she probably spends more time in the house, takes more care of the house, and is more instrumental in getting things done around that house—and that makes the statement all that more powerful.

She’s also giving him power—if she were to say that it was her house, she would be attempting to take that power.  If she says it’s “ours”, she’s equating the two of them.

How does this phrase speak to you?

1. The partial inspiration for this site!