Better half.  Beauty with the Beast.  The Stronger of the Two.  The Prettier of the Two.

There are many things that the culture expects you to be as his wife.  Perhaps you even feel that you should be his competition!  The Bible has a lot to say about husbands and wives, especially about the type of wife God wants you to be.

Proverbs 31 spends a whole chapter talking about a virtuous wife—the wife that each father wants his son to have.  In verse 12 we find that the virtuous wife brings her husband good, not harm, all the days of her life.  What does this look like?

Am I LOVE to my husband. I mean, really… truly. Are the words of this song words that he would use to describe me?

After all this time, do I treat him in a way that gives him warm fuzzies deep in his belly when he knows he’s going to see me?

After all this time (which, in the big picture is really no time at all), does he still look at me the way he did when we met and feel at ease because, no matter what, he knows without a doubt, everything he is – the good, the bad, and the ugly – is safe with me? That when he comes home at the end of his day, or sees me in the morning, or when I bring him coffee in bed… that he really, truly feels loved - and that I am all that he needs? That I will be here no matter what – even if everything around us fell down – that I would be right by his side, always his biggest fan?

[To be called ‘love’ – Fully Mulched]

The truth is that the culture today doesn’t believe that the wife should have any duty to her husband—let alone love them.  They’ve set up society where, at best, marriage is a partnership to raise children. You have your own sets of friends.  You partake in your own separate activities.  You have your own personal checking accounts.

Two people that coexist under the same roof, and yet aren’t experiencing the bond we see present in the Scripture.

Wives, your husbands are called to love you as Christ loved the church.  That husband of yours is to be willing to lay down his life for you.  Are you doing what God commanded you?  Are you respecting him?  Loving him?  Submitting to him?

Can you say that you are love to your husband—that his heart can truly trust in you to do him good all of your days?

In the Country Song, Hot Mama, Trace Adkins confronts something all marriage relationships go through:

You’re doin’ all you can to get in them old jeans.
You want that body back, you had at seventeen.
Baby, don’t get down; don’t worry ’bout a thing.
‘Cause the way you fill ‘em out, hey, that’s all right with me.
I don’t want the girl you used to be.
An’ if you ain’t noticed, the kids are fast asleep,

- Trace Adkins, Hot Mama Lyrics

We all know that bodies change, they never stay the same.  For the wife and mother, this is even more dramatic.  It seems that, for nine months, the soon to be mom is putting on weight, and then is expected to lose it all in the first few days after the baby makes its appearance.

Let alone the fact that there’s “sympathy weight” that the man gets, metabolisms going down, less time to get out and work out—it seems only the natural progression that the husband and the wife will put on weight.

But should that effect the relationship, does it?

Weight And Attraction

Men and women find different things attractive, but they usually revolve around money, appearance, and perceived power.  I don’t believe that either sex finds being overweight attractive, but men are more picky in this area than women:

Nearly half of men questioned in the poll of 70,000 people said they would ditch a partner who gained weight, compared to only 20 percent of women. 

[Half of men would ditch woman who gained weight: poll]

Which may seem surprising, but I’ve read enough jokes and forum postings where people have talked about how much weight their wife had gained compared to those that they see around them.

Men are quick to judge in this area, but part of the problem, I believe, is the weight that they themselves have gained.

Thank You Medical Industry

You see, many men have also put on weight, it’s just more socially acceptable.  While some women stress over the impact of a candy bar, most men indulge in soda pop and other sweets with abandon.  It’s almost a badge of honor to be able to “eat whatever I want.”

And we have a pharmaceutical industry built around this concept—to support the heart problems, cholesterol problems, and to give you a pill for weight loss.  Many of the people on maintenance medications would not have to be on them if they had a better diet!

What Can Be Done?

Believe it or not, you can’t force your partner to work out.  You can’t make them eat better.  You can, however, eat better and work out yourself.

A funny thing will happen if you do.  You’ll find that as you lose weight, and are more attractive, your partner will want to be more attractive as well—and have your energy level.  You might find that they start eating better and they start prioritizing working out.

Work on it together, and see if you can help both of you save money and live a better, healthier life!

When I was a teen, we had a couple of girls get pregnant in our church.  Both of them were encouraged to marry the father of the baby.  At least one of those marriages is still going today.

But the idea that a teenage mom should marry the father is not settled in Christian circles.

Take this comment from Mouse:

I believe the point of marriage is to glorify God, not to correct a mistake. What is the foundation of a marriage that has a purpose of fixing behavior? That is, teenage sex is a symptom of a deeper heart issue that needs to be addressed. Making two kids get married because the young woman is pregnant is like putting a bandaid on a broken leg.

That said, I believe in young marriage. I believe that is God’s design. But if the point of saying “I do” is to right a wrong instead of serve God through serving your spouse, the marriage is doomed no matter how old you are. – Should Teen Moms Get Married?

I understand what she’s saying—she’s saying that it was a sin to perform the act that got the girl pregnant, and that the sin should be dealt with independent of the decision to get married—that getting married is not the remedy for the sin.

Although I can understand the argument, I think that you have to realize that sexual sin is a special form of sin in the Bible.  All other sin, we’re told, is outside of the body whereas sexual sin is against the body.  I don’t pretend to understand why it is this way. 

We know that in the marriage ceremony that two become one, and yet they still appear as two.  I believe that there’s a reason that the first time a couple has sex after marriage it is referred to as the consummation of their marriage.  I believe that having sex is more than just pleasure and sex outside of marriage is more than just any other sin.

The marriage relationship is special to God.  It shows His relationship to His people.  It’s used as an example through out Scripture.

I guess the biggest thing I wonder is why shouldn’t they get married?

In the Western Culture, many people believe that you should be in love to get married, and that there are certain things that you should do/share before you do, but is this the case?

Shouldn’t we able to rally around this couple, that now has a baby in common, and encourage them and help them build that marriage they should have?  Shouldn’t we encourage marriage in this case such as to discourage extra marital sexual activity in the first place?

Society wants us to think one way, and the Bible another.  And yet, only one of these ways that will help us to not only be complete, but to feel complete as well.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss, in her famous Lies Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free¹ stated, “It’s a lie to believe you must have a career outside of your home to feel fulfilled.”

You see, we read and hear so many negative things about submission because a large part of our society operates on envy.  We are not content with who we are, what our role is supposed to be and our makeup—we must be who we are not.

This led Deana O’Hara to make the following statement in her post Let’s Talk About It: Things that Make our Hair Stand on End:

“I live in my husband’s house. I like the safety in that. You have to be married to a good man in order to say that, and thankfully I am. I have also learned that if you are a woman married to a good man and you still say ‘this is my house and he’s lucky to live here.’ what you are really communicating is that you are afraid to allow yourself to be fully loved.”  – Deana O’Hara

There is power in this statement on so many levels.

Respect

The immediate reaction I get from this comment is respect.  The woman is identifying with the fact that her husband is providing something for her.  It’s not that it’s wrong to say “It’s our house” but by stating that it’s his house, she’s stating that she knows that he’s responsible for providing that for her, and she’s praising him for it.

Order

This statement conveys to me that she’s not afraid to be under his leadership.  She’s content being loved and cared for by this man, and she doesn’t have to have her name on everything.

What’s interesting is that she probably spends more time in the house, takes more care of the house, and is more instrumental in getting things done around that house—and that makes the statement all that more powerful.

She’s also giving him power—if she were to say that it was her house, she would be attempting to take that power.  If she says it’s “ours”, she’s equating the two of them.

How does this phrase speak to you?

1. The partial inspiration for this site!

Submission does not mean “door mat”, but instead means that one chooses to allow the other person to lead.  I like to think of it like rank in the Army—submission means that the authority belongs with another, and that I should obey what they have to say—even when I may have a different, and sometimes better, opinion.

However, did you know that there are 6 times when a wife should not submit to her husband?  This list is borrowed heavily from a Handy Reference Guide of When Not to Submit.

1. A Husband must not require his wife to submit when obedience to him would violate a Biblical Principle.

The first is plain.  If the General gives a command and then the Captain gives a contrary command, you obey the General.

In this case, if God gives a clear command in Scripture, then if your husband tells you to disobey that command, you obey God.  Clear commands can be clear Scripture like “Thou Shalt Not Murder” or just clear Biblical principles—like if your husband wants you to take up smoking.

2. A Husband must not require his wife to submit when obedience to him would compromise her relationship to Christ.

This would be like if your husband told you that he didn’t want you to read any Christian books, listen to Christian sermons, go to Church, and to stop praying.  This isn’t a blanket license to disregard a unsaved husband’s wishes (indeed, Peter instructs wives that some may be able to cover their husbands by staying with them), but it’s a reminder that we must be about growing—if we aren’t, we are not faithful to God.

When Jesus says that you must hate your father, mother, sister, brother, husband, wife to follow Him, it wasn’t literal in the sense that you should hate them, but in the comparison with the love that you have for God it should seem like you hate them.  Wow.

3. A husband must not require his wife to submit when obedience to him would void her conscience.

Paul is quite clear—there is Christian Liberty.  You don’t have to be afraid eating meat offered to idols.  You don’t have to respect holy days.

The catch is: can you do it with a clear conscience, giving thanks to the Lord?  If you cannot, then it is sin to you.

A husband should not require that his wife sin.

4. A husband must not require his wife to submit when obedience to him would compromise the care, nurture and protection of their or her children.

Since one of the main responsibilities of the husband (and father) is to protect and provide for his family, if he’s choosing to direct his wife to do opposite of that, it’s time to talk to the church body and see what’s going on.

5. A husband must not require his wife to submit when obedience to him would enable him to sin.

This is a powerful one.  As husband and wife we are the closest of brother and sister in Christ.  We’re the ultimate accountability partners, and it’s part of both of their jobs to grow each other in Christ.

That means that if the man is requiring that a woman submit to going and getting him an adult beverage, or something that would enable a sin, that man is in the wrong, and his wife should stand her ground and attempt to help him control that temptation.

And it’s not right to use the “if I don’t do it, he’ll just go behind my back.”  We’re responsible to God for how we behave, and we need to let each other know that there is a line—even if they decide to cross it.  Let our good behavior be conviction against the bad.

6. A husband must not require his wife to submit to physical, sexual or emotional abuse.

If any of these are happening, the wife should get help when it begins, not wait until it gets out of control.  The earlier that these things are dealt with, the better chance that there is of something being done to salvage the man and the marriage.

And I would say that it also goes for the woman as well.

Is there anything else you’d add?

I think you’ll find this study interesting as we look through the lives of some Biblical wives, and even see how husbands really haven’t changed that much either.

We’ve seen it on countless sitcoms—from the Dick Van Dyke show to the present—where the wife that’s at home continues to make mistakes.  She burns the food, leaves an iron mark on the shirt, and ran the car into the pool.

Today it’s the man—he’s a bad dad.  He can’t do anything useful.  He wouldn’t know how to clean a dish if he were standing in a bucket of soap and water.

The Evil of Comparison

Each of us has things that were good at and things we are not.  We have things that we’ve practiced and things that we could do if we had a bit more practice.

The problem comes into play when we evaluate someone else based on our skill set.  And it gets worse when the person that we’re evaluating is someone close to us—because we tend to be a whole lot coarser.

Mean to Family, Nice to Friends

It’s an odd fact, but the closer someone is to us, the more blunt and cruel we are to them.  The further away they are, the more likely we are to treat them nicely and to be courteous.

The same applies with what we say about people around us.  We’re a whole lot more likely to have higher expectations of people around us, or we’re dismissive of them because they can’t do something the way that you do it.

Why is this?

Part of it, I believe, is that we know that the person that we’re talking about knows us, loves us, and we know them very well.  We know that they’ll probably stay around, even if we belittle them (we may even belittle them when they’re around!), but we may not be so sure about those that we don’t know as well.

The truth is that this should be opposite.

We should be more concerned about what our family thinks of us, and talking them  up rather than worrying about those that may leave our lives and we won’t see them again.

You can choose your friends, not your family—well, not after your married at least.

So, what are you doing to build up your spouse?  How about resolving not to say anything diminutive about his abilities to any of your friends and family?  That would be a great start!

You were married.  You have lived together for sometime.  But at some point—and we all reach this point—you decided that there is no longer anything new to learn about your spouse.  Indeed, you’ve stopped learning about your spouse and have decided that there’s nothing new to learn!

The problem is that you’re both changing people.  You are both a product of what is going on around you, and your opinions and feelings about things may change.  So why is it that the people that are closest to us stop trying to learn about us?

The Thrill of the Hunt

Part of it is the excitement has worn off.  When you first met, you had a whole lot to learn about him.  You shared every moment talking about likes and dislikes, finding out his dreams and his emotions, and talking about everything with him to find out his opinion.

Now you figure that you’ve pretty much have him figured out.  You’ve seen that you can predict with some reliability what he’ll say next, and you like that comfort.

The thing is, he’s changing.  His goals may not be the same as they were when you married.  Reality may have changed some of his plans, or he may now have a better understanding of something that was previous a puzzle to him.

It Still Happens—If We Put forth the Effort

When you’re in a new group of people, you find yourself having the fun of learning people all over again.  You talk about the same questions and answers, you find out what you like and dislike—and though you can’t find out everything fresh from your spouse, you should make times that you sit and talk about hopes, dreams and perspective.

If you immerse yourself in each other’s day, you’ll find that you become a part of your spouse, and you’ll find, every now and then, something that you didn’t know and that’s interesting.

But rewards only come to those that are patient and wait.

People have dreams.  No, I’m not simply talking about that time you ended up in front of your school giving the speech of your life in your underwear, I’m talking about goals, wants and desires.

There are things that each person wants to do, what they see themselves doing with their lives and what they want to become.

It’s these dreams and goals that help make us who we are, they define us, and they halp us to feel successful when we reach them.

As partners and spouses, we should be looking out to help each other reach those goals and desires.  Instead, what usually happens is that one spouse or the other pursues their goals while the other does a majority of the work.

But it does not have to be so!

What you should do with your spouse is take the time to outline what your goals and dreams are.  What is it that you want to do?  Where would you like to go?

But don’t stop there!

After you’ve drawn up what you’d like to do, plan for it to be done.  Lay out the steps and make sure that you put in the parts where the other person has a role to play.

It may be that you won’t be able to achieve that goal in the near term, but by making plans you can work toward it, and know that you will be working toward that dream.  That will make the work all the sweeter.

Do you have to know where your spouse is 100% of the time?  Is he or she only allowed to do things that you want to do or that you approve of?

Now, having somewhere specific and knowing where your spouse is can be a good accountability system, but if you or your spouse has to always report in, and does not feel that they have time that they can call their own and space that they can call their own, you’re probably setting up “the perfect storm.”

People like to do certain things, and take possession of certain things.  A husband needs to make sure that his wife’s wants are met as well as her needs.  He needs to provide for her and make her comfortable.  Whatever’s in reason, he should try to provide.

But a wife needs to also know that a man also needs time to pursue his passions—well, both of you do.  If you do not have time to do things you like, then you have work and chores.  We’re built to want to have some down time, and that means that sometimes you have to do what he or she wants to do, but other times it’s your turn.

Learn to do things together that are relaxing as well as trying what your spouse likes.  And sometimes, the best thing that you can do is let your spouse spend some alone time—in the same house or out with friends.  It’ll help both of you recharge.