There’s an old joke that goes something like this:

On their 50th wedding anniversary, the farmer’s wife said she was leaving him.   He asked, “Why?”

She said, “Because you don’t love me.”

He asked, “Why do you say that?”

She said, “Because you never say that you love me!”

He replied, “I told you that I love you on our wedding day.  If I ever change my mind, I’ll let you know!”

One of the things that struck me while reading For Men Only¹ is that it seems that women are always in need of reassurance that they are loved.  In fact, it’s the first thing that the book tells you about.  The fact that women are always wondering.

Surprise you?

What This Leads To

As a guy, we don’t have this underlying insecurity.  If we do wonder, we’ll usually ask or try to prompt a response.  According to Jeff Feldhahn, a women wants a response as well, only she will try to get it indirectly, by hinting around it or wanting to spend time discussing where the relationship is or where it is headed.

The Solution

So the solution is for us guys to take the initiative to let our wives know that we love them.  This is especially necessary when we least feel like saying it—in the middle of an argument or when there’s something on our minds.

What this means to wives is that it would be productive for you to have a discussion with your husband to let him know of this need (if you have it) and let him know that you really care about him.  Or, just give him a copy of the book and let him read it for himself!

1. Which I reviewed here

Nina at the respect dare poses an interesting situation in her post, What’s the Difference between Being Disrespectful and Being Helpful?  She saw a situation where her husband saw a friend at church and she thought he should go with the man instead of her taking him to Sunday School as he had requested.

Submission doesn’t mean that the woman doesn’t have an opinion or is a door mat.  This is false thinking.  What it really means is a difference in rank.

The concept is the same as that which you’d find on board a military vessel between the captain and the first officer.  The idea is that there is a rank difference—the man has the authority to make the final call—but the woman is right there, trained, and able to help as well.

In this case, it made a lot more sense for Nina’s husband to walk his friend to Sunday School and Nina to take the kids.  She was more observant than she was in this case.

This is what I find with my wife also.  While I tend to be the more observant one, she can sometimes see more of what’s going on in a situation than I can.  She can read people better than I can.  Should I be insulted because of this?  No!

However, I can see where some husbands would not want to be what they would view as corrected, especially in front of their friends or in public.  This is why Nina stresses communication in the couple:

On the way home, I replayed the incident for him, and asked, “Was that un-submissive or disrespectful of me?”

“No, I didn’t know why you did that, but no, I wasn’t offended,” came the reply.

“I thought Steve would feel awkward sitting with me at church, being as he’s mostly your friend, and I thought he’d feel more comfortable visiting if his experience started off with you,” I replied.

“That never occurred to me. I’m glad you said something – and yeah, that makes sense,” he said.

Some here might think I’m majoring in the minors, focusing on minutia, and when it comes to communicating with the people I want deep relationship with, you are right. Life is lived one small moment of interaction at a time, and if I have questions about perceptions, the only one who can give me insight is the one I’m interacting with.

So, definitely, talk with your husband and find out what he thinks shows respect, and definitely be careful when you’re out, because that’s the time when something that could be helpful in motive can turn out to show disrespect to your husband.  That’s somewhere you don’t want to go.

What we should be doing is using the strengths that each of us has to build a stronger whole:

While I can intellectually understand that men are physically stronger, what has been missing from the discussion about the Biblical roles of men and women is this: women have a strength that men typically do not…

Communication. Relationships.

…

Neither are “better than” the other.

We’re just different.

And together, male and female, we make the image of God.

[I need and Want a Strong Loving Man… You? – The Respect Dare]

So let’s stop trying to figure out who’s better, men or women, and instead, let’s focus on making our marriages something that’s all that God wants them to be!

Let’s face it, life is filled with different kinds of decisions.  There are the easy decisions and difficult decisions.

Husbands and Fathers are responsible to the Lord for how they manage their families, and as such, they are ultimately responsible for the decision making process—or at least what decisions are made.

Harry Truman may have said, “The Buck stops here”—but this is also the case for the man in the relationship.

Leaders Need Followers

The hardest thing about being a leader is getting people to follow you.  We’ve all felt it—when we believe that we have the right idea, the right suggestion, and if they’d just listen to us it would get done right. 

What happens?  Well, we sometimes don’t say anything because we’re afraid that no one will follow.

This is true of your husband as well.  Sometimes he chooses not to express an opinion or outright lead, not because he doesn’t have an opinion, but that the last few times he’s attempted to lead, no one has followed.

To encourage him to lead, you need to be willing to follow when he does.  Show him that you are behind his goals or ideas.  If you have a suggestion, make sure to say it in a respectful way.  The last thing you should do if you think you know better than he does is to simply dismiss his leadership, his idea, and tell him he’s wrong.

If you want him to lead, you’re going to have to follow.

He’s Going To Get It Wrong Sometimes

To me, this is the hardest part of being a follower—knowing that occasionally he’s going to get it wrong.  He’s going to pick the wrong house to move to.  He’s going to go on that camping trip where it rains the whole time.  He’s going to pick up the wrong ingredient at the store.

Decisions are seldom as easy as the one we opened with—I’m hungry, I need to eat—and sometimes they can be quite tricky.  Sometimes they’ll involve money, time, or other commitments, and you may look at it while you’re in it and say “Man, he blew that decision.”

If you choose to remind him about this, choose to focus on it during the next decision, you will lose him as leader.

Seriously, ladies, one of the biggest lies that wives believe is that it’s best to always tell him where he’s wrong, and to always have an opinion.  If you want someone to lead, the best thing you can do is to not give an opinion.  But be prepared for whatever may happen and don’t have a disgruntled spirit.

This is part of being the submissive wife—the submissive child of God in a martial partnership with your husband.

Easy?  No.  Worth it?  Yes!

In Genesis 2 we have this interesting statement made by God—that it’s not good for man to be alone.  It’s the sole reason that we are given for the creation of Eve—that God saw that every other created being had a partner, and Adam had none.

So, let’s start there—why do you think that it was important that Adam was not alone, and how about Modern Adams?

Companionship

One of the most obvious reasons that jumps out at me is that God knew that Adam needed companionship.  That’s what I get in that He looked over all of creation and saw that every other created being had a pair and Adam did not have anyone.

But wait, you say, Adam had God.  And that’s true.  He did have a relationship with God that we do not have today. 

While that’s true, the point is that every other created being had someone of their own kind, and Adam did not.

I would think that we could go so far as to say that God knew that it was better for man to have someone that was like him to be his companion.  God, being three persons in one, has the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, so it would make sense that Adam would benefit from a companion.

Intimacy

The marriage relationship is supposed to be the most intimate human to human relationship on the planet.  It is in this relationship that two people put down their guards the most in order to share everything—physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The fact that our culture has decided to share these things while keeping guards up shows just how far it has strayed from the initial design, and how much it has lost in the process.

Men and Women are better when they have an intimate life partner to share their life with.

Accountability

Men and women in today’s culture are sinners, and everyone knows that it’s easier to sin when no one holds you accountable.  Specifically, men struggle with sins of lust that are helped in two ways by the presence of a wife.

First, the husband is helped by his wife because of the physical intimacy she provides.  The fact that he is having that need met means that he does not have to struggle as hard against his body’s desire to have that need met.  The temptation to look, to desire, and want other women is lessened by the fact that he has a faithful sexual partner—his wife.

Secondly, the wife helps the husband by providing a check—a visible person who is looking after him.  This shouldn’t be a judgmental thing, for we all sin, but more of a deterrent.  If a man knows that he will take responsibility for his wrong doings, this might keep him from making that wrong decision.  It will also provide him the ability to seek forgiveness when wronged.

Perspective

On our own, it’s hard to see multiple points of view.  It’s hard to account for all the factors because we don’t know everything—even though we probably think that we do.

In this way, two are better than one.  We need support.  We need that second opinion.  We should avail ourselves of it.

Logistics

It’s hard to do everything ourselves, especially when there are children involved—just ask single parents.  This isn’t meant to say that all men should work and all women be in the home, but what it is saying is that there is more that can be accomplished by two people than by one.

Also, there are many tasks that are needed to keep a house functioning.  Two people running a house will make it run more smoothly.

Can you think of other reasons that it’s not good for man (or woman) to be alone?

The following from I am Husband is totally true:

Whenever our wives gain [weight] we think they should take control of it. They should go to the gym, they should “care” about what they look like. We often hear people say of women “She just let herself go” but we don’t really hear that about men. We joke about the growing spare tire and tell ourselves it doesn’t matter because men care about the physical appearance of women more than the other way around. Though to a certain extent that’s true, I have a little secret to share with you today:

Wives want their husbands to be in shape too.

It’s true, ladies.  There shouldn’t be a separate standard for men and women.  Both of you should be concerned about your weight and make sure that you look your best for your partner.

Why do we concern ourselves with people we don’t know, dressing for them, prepping for them, when the person that matters most we spend little effort?

Society wants us to think one way, and the Bible another.  And yet, only one of these ways that will help us to not only be complete, but to feel complete as well.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss, in her famous Lies Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free¹ stated, “It’s a lie to believe you must have a career outside of your home to feel fulfilled.”

You see, we read and hear so many negative things about submission because a large part of our society operates on envy.  We are not content with who we are, what our role is supposed to be and our makeup—we must be who we are not.

This led Deana O’Hara to make the following statement in her post Let’s Talk About It: Things that Make our Hair Stand on End:

“I live in my husband’s house. I like the safety in that. You have to be married to a good man in order to say that, and thankfully I am. I have also learned that if you are a woman married to a good man and you still say ‘this is my house and he’s lucky to live here.’ what you are really communicating is that you are afraid to allow yourself to be fully loved.”  – Deana O’Hara

There is power in this statement on so many levels.

Respect

The immediate reaction I get from this comment is respect.  The woman is identifying with the fact that her husband is providing something for her.  It’s not that it’s wrong to say “It’s our house” but by stating that it’s his house, she’s stating that she knows that he’s responsible for providing that for her, and she’s praising him for it.

Order

This statement conveys to me that she’s not afraid to be under his leadership.  She’s content being loved and cared for by this man, and she doesn’t have to have her name on everything.

What’s interesting is that she probably spends more time in the house, takes more care of the house, and is more instrumental in getting things done around that house—and that makes the statement all that more powerful.

She’s also giving him power—if she were to say that it was her house, she would be attempting to take that power.  If she says it’s “ours”, she’s equating the two of them.

How does this phrase speak to you?

1. The partial inspiration for this site!

Submission does not mean “door mat”, but instead means that one chooses to allow the other person to lead.  I like to think of it like rank in the Army—submission means that the authority belongs with another, and that I should obey what they have to say—even when I may have a different, and sometimes better, opinion.

However, did you know that there are 6 times when a wife should not submit to her husband?  This list is borrowed heavily from a Handy Reference Guide of When Not to Submit.

1. A Husband must not require his wife to submit when obedience to him would violate a Biblical Principle.

The first is plain.  If the General gives a command and then the Captain gives a contrary command, you obey the General.

In this case, if God gives a clear command in Scripture, then if your husband tells you to disobey that command, you obey God.  Clear commands can be clear Scripture like “Thou Shalt Not Murder” or just clear Biblical principles—like if your husband wants you to take up smoking.

2. A Husband must not require his wife to submit when obedience to him would compromise her relationship to Christ.

This would be like if your husband told you that he didn’t want you to read any Christian books, listen to Christian sermons, go to Church, and to stop praying.  This isn’t a blanket license to disregard a unsaved husband’s wishes (indeed, Peter instructs wives that some may be able to cover their husbands by staying with them), but it’s a reminder that we must be about growing—if we aren’t, we are not faithful to God.

When Jesus says that you must hate your father, mother, sister, brother, husband, wife to follow Him, it wasn’t literal in the sense that you should hate them, but in the comparison with the love that you have for God it should seem like you hate them.  Wow.

3. A husband must not require his wife to submit when obedience to him would void her conscience.

Paul is quite clear—there is Christian Liberty.  You don’t have to be afraid eating meat offered to idols.  You don’t have to respect holy days.

The catch is: can you do it with a clear conscience, giving thanks to the Lord?  If you cannot, then it is sin to you.

A husband should not require that his wife sin.

4. A husband must not require his wife to submit when obedience to him would compromise the care, nurture and protection of their or her children.

Since one of the main responsibilities of the husband (and father) is to protect and provide for his family, if he’s choosing to direct his wife to do opposite of that, it’s time to talk to the church body and see what’s going on.

5. A husband must not require his wife to submit when obedience to him would enable him to sin.

This is a powerful one.  As husband and wife we are the closest of brother and sister in Christ.  We’re the ultimate accountability partners, and it’s part of both of their jobs to grow each other in Christ.

That means that if the man is requiring that a woman submit to going and getting him an adult beverage, or something that would enable a sin, that man is in the wrong, and his wife should stand her ground and attempt to help him control that temptation.

And it’s not right to use the “if I don’t do it, he’ll just go behind my back.”  We’re responsible to God for how we behave, and we need to let each other know that there is a line—even if they decide to cross it.  Let our good behavior be conviction against the bad.

6. A husband must not require his wife to submit to physical, sexual or emotional abuse.

If any of these are happening, the wife should get help when it begins, not wait until it gets out of control.  The earlier that these things are dealt with, the better chance that there is of something being done to salvage the man and the marriage.

And I would say that it also goes for the woman as well.

Is there anything else you’d add?

We’ll also look at things that he should be doing and should not be doing, and hopefully get a lot of discussion here!

We’ve seen it on countless sitcoms—from the Dick Van Dyke show to the present—where the wife that’s at home continues to make mistakes.  She burns the food, leaves an iron mark on the shirt, and ran the car into the pool.

Today it’s the man—he’s a bad dad.  He can’t do anything useful.  He wouldn’t know how to clean a dish if he were standing in a bucket of soap and water.

The Evil of Comparison

Each of us has things that were good at and things we are not.  We have things that we’ve practiced and things that we could do if we had a bit more practice.

The problem comes into play when we evaluate someone else based on our skill set.  And it gets worse when the person that we’re evaluating is someone close to us—because we tend to be a whole lot coarser.

Mean to Family, Nice to Friends

It’s an odd fact, but the closer someone is to us, the more blunt and cruel we are to them.  The further away they are, the more likely we are to treat them nicely and to be courteous.

The same applies with what we say about people around us.  We’re a whole lot more likely to have higher expectations of people around us, or we’re dismissive of them because they can’t do something the way that you do it.

Why is this?

Part of it, I believe, is that we know that the person that we’re talking about knows us, loves us, and we know them very well.  We know that they’ll probably stay around, even if we belittle them (we may even belittle them when they’re around!), but we may not be so sure about those that we don’t know as well.

The truth is that this should be opposite.

We should be more concerned about what our family thinks of us, and talking them  up rather than worrying about those that may leave our lives and we won’t see them again.

You can choose your friends, not your family—well, not after your married at least.

So, what are you doing to build up your spouse?  How about resolving not to say anything diminutive about his abilities to any of your friends and family?  That would be a great start!