Lies Wives Believe

Comparing marriages

“Why can’t we be that spontaneous?”

“How come his wife looks at him like that?”

“Why doesn’t my husband say such sweet things to me?”

“Why can’t we be more like them?”

Do you sometimes fall into the mode of “if only our marriage were like that” line of thought? Do you look at your friends’ marriages and wonder, “Why aren’t we like that?”

Stop. Now.

I think for about the first year after I got married, I played the comparison game. My world was in chaos from more than a life-changing decision to get hitched, and, even though my relationship with my new husband was completely different than other couples around me, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Why can’t we be like them? Why aren’t we happy like that?” Truth be told, we weren’t happy like “that” because I spent 40-50 hours a week working a full-time job and then spent another 30 hours in grad school studies, leaving very little time to give attention to my husband. I didn’t see it that way, though. I just couldn’t understand why the pastor who married us didn’t turn on the “happy” switch when we said our vows.

Marriage is work. And marriage for each person is different. When two aunts, a cousin, and I decided to head to Chicago during Christmas break, my mom did not want to go with us. She had several reasons not to go, but one of them was because it was a girls’ trip, and Dad wouldn’t be able to go. She does not want to go on a vacation without him, and vice versa. That works for them. I am not the same person as my mom, and my husband is not the same person as my dad. We go on about one trip a year without the other. For me, it’s a chance to reconnect with my family, and for him, it’s a chance to go golfing on some great trails with the guys. It works for us. But what works for us may not work for you. So…why even start comparing?

We only compare, too, when we see something either really good or really bad. Like the couple fighting loudly in Wal-Mart near the cereal aisle. What wife doesn’t grab her husband’s hand and whisper, “I’m so glad we’re not like them”? And, in turn, what about the couple who are sitting THISCLOSE in the coffee shop, reading over the newspaper with their coffee and looking so serene? Especially if this is in the morning before your coffee, don’t you silently just think, “Why can’t my husband be like that?”

The couple in Wal-Mart is not you. Neither are the spouses in the coffee shop. Repeat with me: They. Are. Not. YOU.

Your marriage is different from all other marriages, and you can’t base your marriage off of someone else’s – especially if you only see a brief moment into that couple’s life. I VIVIDLY remember having to attend an ex-boyfriend’s wedding (my husband and he are close friends, and my husband was a groomsman) and Hubby and I fighting about something STUPID (naturally) all night long. And it was evident. And I was highly embarrassed. But would I want someone to judge me on that evening of arguing? Heck, no! We don’t fight often, and that was probably one of a handful of times we fought (like that, at least) that entire year. If someone compared us that night, they’d probably be thankful they were NOT like us.

The comparison game does not work. Not only will it probably make you feel inadequate as a couple, it also is biased, judgmental, and unfair to all parties involved. You can’t judge a book by its cover, and you can’t judge a couple – even friends – by outward appearances. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors.

Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind — yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, because we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church. Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband. — Ephesians 5:22-33

It’s about your marriage – not anyone else’s. Getting caught up in the comparison game does nothing for you nor your spouse. Love your husband. Respect your husband. And remember that when the bedroom doors close, it’s only about you and him.