Lies Wives Believe

The Pull Of Children

Photo by LilGoldWmn

Wives, what takes up most of your time?

If you’re a mother answering that question, the answer would probably be your children.

Kids take time.  A lot of time.  Sometimes my husband and I sit around in exhaustion after we’ve finally gotten our toddler off to bed and go, “What did we do with all our time before she came along?”

And neither one of us can remember.

As wonderful a blessing as children can be, there can sometimes be a downside that is easily avoidable but often not considered.

Children can take a toll on a marriage.  Not so much in the extra work or the shorter nights.  Having children drastically cuts down on the times husbands and wives get to spend together – alone.

Most parents don’t even consider this because they are so overjoyed at having a baby – which, don’t get me wrong, they should be overjoyed.

A marriage is a relationship – the greatest relationship we have short of the one we have with God.  But as with any relationship, marriages take time, investment, sacrifice on the part of both parties, and commitment.  I’m sure everyone has a story of the “friend I lost contact with” because the effort to keep the relationship going wasn’t put forth.

I want to examine some lies women believe about marriage and their children.

The first lie is this:  I need to invest all my time with my kids right now; my husband will always be around.

I’m apologizing in advance for bursting your bubble, but guess what?  That’s not true.

Yes, you need to invest time with your kids.  You need to provide for their needs, oversee their education and social development, and raise them with the family values you cherish.  And that will take a lot – a lot – of your time, and it is a necessity on your part as the parent.  But wives, you cannot neglect your husband during this time and expect your marriage to flourish.  It will flounder instead.

One day you will turn around and expect to see the Prince Charming you married.  Instead you will see someone 20 (or more) pounds heavier who leaves the seat up or doesn’t make the bed and “never” helps you out around the house.  You’ll realize you haven’t had a meaningful conversation with this “roommate” in weeks and you don’t even know what he’s been doing lately.

And you’ll go, “How has this happened?”

And if you believe the next lie, you’ll be in even bigger trouble:

The spark will always be there.

It won’t.

We are so blessed in the fact that God gave us emotional range.  It’s a privilege to be able to experience emotions and have our senses excited.  But the things that sparked you in the beginning – the warm fuzzies, the electric currents when he held your hand, the butterflies in your stomach – those will eventually go away.  And with the right cultivation of your marriage relationship, they will change and grow into even greater and better things that will still send your emotions soaring, just in different ways than in the “early years.”

So how to you cultivate your marriage with kids running around you 24/7?

Here are some suggestions that work for us:

1.  Have a date night every week and set a limit for how long you talk about the kids.

You might be scoffing and saying there’s no money.  A date night doesn’t have to be to a restaurant.  Go to the local park for a walk, or since gas prices are dropping, go for a drive – just the two of you.  If you can adjust your budget to include a weekly dinner out, do so and enjoy the time together.  Set a limit of time you will talk about the children and spend the rest of the evening sharing with each other what’s going on in your lives.  Ask questions.  It’s OK to reminisce about the past but find things in the present to be thankful for with your husband, and look to the future in hope, not in despair of a never-ending pile of diapers and toys and late nights.

Maybe you can’t afford a babysitter.  Find a trusted friend or neighbor (preferably one who has kids) and set up a swap night – they keep your kids one night so you can go out and one night you keep theirs to return the favor (I guarantee you they need a night out, too).  Or see if your church offers something.  One of the churches in our old city offered a “Parents” Night Out” where the moms and dads could come drop off the kids for a few hours and have time out on their own.  There are ways to make it happen if you are committed to making the effort.

2.  Share your spiritual experiences.

Marriage makes you vulnerable.  Your husband sees the best and worst of you – physically and emotionally.  A way to make a deeper connection is to share your spirituality.  Pray with each other.  Start a Bible study and work on it together.  Share what you are reading and where you are struggling.  Don’t be afraid to be transparent.  I guarantee you it will strengthen your bond as husband and wife.

3.  Get Intimate.

I hope I’m not making any of you blush.  Physically intimacy cannot be avoided if the marriage is going to grow.  First of all, it’s a need of your husbands – men need physical interaction.  Two, it is a gift from God that is to bring pleasure and connection to both parties involved.  There are many couples who do it just for procreation – that’s a benefit but not the only one.  Use it as a time to express your love to each other, even if you’re a little (or a lot!) tired.  Schedule it if you have to, at least 1-2 times a week.  Which leads to number 4…

4.  “Serve” your husband.

I don’t want to add another to-do to your list, but are your husband’s needs being met (and I don’t mean just physical)?  You might feel under appreciated and overworked – and you probably have good reason to feel this way.  But does he feel neglected?  Shunted to the side?  Even abandoned?  I want to encourage you wives out there to consider his needs and how you can meet them.  Yes, it will require some more work on your part, but you will be so blessed by it.  You will be amazed at the response you will get from your husband.  Find out his “love language” and minister to him in that way.  The only catch is this can’t be done with a selfish heart.  You can’t do this as a means to an end – if-I-step-up-for-him-he’ll-help-me-out-more kind of mentality.  It must be done out of love, out of a serious desire to please your husband.  He will see the extra effort you are making for him.  It will cultivate his love for you and grow you closer.

We all want to do what’s best for our children – the best upbringing, the best education, the best provision.

But the truth is that in 18 years or a little more those children are going to leave and start families of their own.  And then what will you be left with?

You want to leave your children with a legacy?  Give them the legacy of a strong, loving, close marriage, of parents who are 100% devoted to each other every day.  Give them an example for their own lives and marriages, not a situation where they’ll say, “I hope I don’t end up like my folks.”  Give your future grandchildren a place to come where their grandparents are even more in love than they were the day they said “I do.”

Yes, it takes work and effort.  But that is what things of real, lasting value will take.